Requiem for a Hero: Part II

A politician is a fickle thing, it changes allegiances as quickly as a wind blown $5 bill changes hands. Ownership means nothing to it. The crime bosses liked the systems of prohibition on certain common street drugs, it allowed their prices and profits to reach almost limitless heights. It fed the machinery that really ruled the world. The machinery, however, still has not found a solution to the problem it finds most troublesome. In spite of all it's efforts it still relies on the fickle voter to vote against their own best interest as they have done since they where given the gift of voting. Thankfully most the time the voter seems to have a deep-seated need to self sabotage, and only in very rare circumstances will they vote against the machinery that really runs the world. So it was a very rare case with the legalization of a certain common street drug. Enough voters had grown tired of the oppression and crime the drug's prohibition brought on the world and voted for the legalization. In response to the change in voter sentiment , and because a politician can change their allegiances in response to anything, the politicians all had very important meetings and collectively came to the conclusion it would be in everyone's best interest, mostly their own, to not fight the law. The result was a lot of temporarily unhappy criminals and a lot of tax revenue. The wind of popular opinion had blown the politicians into their own dark alley and on top of their own trash pile and they always did their best work in these types of situations.

The tax revenue from the now legal common street drug was, as decided by the voters, allotted to be used for the city's underfunded schools. This, of course, did not happen. The machinery that really ran the world hated schools. Schools teach people to vote in their own best interest. This is something that the machinery would never let happen. So the politicians found clever ways to divert the money to the recently upset criminals as a way to make up for having not prevented the voters from voting in their own best interest and so everyone, who mattered to the machinery, was happy.

Who wasn't happy where the future voters and current children at the local underfunded school. One of whom was the daughter of a recently deceased local hero that had been killed, unbeknownst to her, by a local crime boss. The daughter didn't even know her father was a hero. To her he was just another parent, preoccupied with the machinery that really ran the world and not very interested in the day to day dealings of his family's operation.

The daughter of the recently deceased local hero did well in her underfunded school. She always tried her hardest in everything she did. She was a good student, athlete, friend and daughter. She ate healthy, and in contrast to the other future voters and current children at the local underfunded school, she didn't drink sugary soda made from the chemically processed byproducts of inedible corn. She in every way lived up to the impeccable moral code of her recently deceased local hero father. She worried about the environment, and because of this she didn't  use disposable water bottles. She had written a report for a class at her underfunded school that the plastic from the disposable water bottles would pollute the local waterways of the city and that as an alternative everyone, like her, should carry a reusable water bottle with them. She took her ecologically friendly water bottle with her every where and filled it during the short period of time between classes at the water fountains in her underfunded school.

Unfortunately for the daughter of the recently deceased local hero, and the city, it was too late for the local waterways. They had all ready been polluted by the toxic and unfortunate side effect of a local business. The CEO of the company responsible for the dumping of the toxic and unfortunate side effect had recently been arrested and convicted of violating EPA regulations by illegally dumping substance and thus polluting city's local waterways. The representatives for the machinery that really ran the world asked him nicely to step down as CEO, pay a fine and spend 3 months in a local minimum security prison. The minimum security prison was much nicer than the other prison in the city that was mostly filled with the users of a formerly illegal common street drug. Most of whom suffered from formerly treatable chemical imbalances in their brain that had, at one time, been easily treated with prescription medication.

Little did the daughter of the recently deceased local hero know that her body didn't seem able to deal with the  toxic and unfortunate byproduct of a local business that had been dumped, illegally, into the local water ways and was now present in the drinking fountains of the underfunded school with which she filled the ecologically friendly water bottle she always had with her. Her young and athletic body was rapidly turning weak and frail like that of an old woman. She now possessed the kind of body that $5 worth of calories would make the difference between another week of living and escaping into the dark abyss of non-existence.

When the chief of police had told the daughter of the recently deceased local hero that her father was missing and presumed dead the daughter cried her toxic laden tears, fainted and crumpled out of her chair onto the floor. It was all too much for her frail body to take. The chief didn't even have time to give his well rehearsed speech about how they didn't have any solid leads in the case but that he would personally see to solving the matter and bring peace and justice to her and her family. Instead an ambulance took the daughter to a local hospital where she was placed on life support in a room next to a homeless man being treated for a variety of afflictions related to his homelessness.

The homeless man had an imbalance of brain chemicals that he self medicated with a now legal common street drug. While it was now legal to buy and use the common street drug it was not legal to use it in the street where the homeless man lived. So he had been arrested by the local police. He was being cleaned up and treated for his medical conditions, except of course the brain chemical imbalance, and would soon be transferred to a holding cell while he awaited conviction and sentencing to a local prison. He had no chance of going to the prison where the former CEO was serving his 3 month sentence for the illegally dumping of a toxic and unfortunate side effect of his former company's business.

The imbalanced chemicals in the homeless man's brain told him he would never make it in prison and that he would be better off in the dark abyss of non-existence. So when the nurse turned out the light and left him alone in his room to sleep he used a cord from the lamp in his hospital room to make his transition. So too did the girl in the the next room who was the daughter of the now deceased local hero and who's  frail body could no longer stand the strains of the toxic and unfortunate substance it had running through it. She joined the homeless man and her hero father in the dark abyss of non-existence.

A journalist, in contrast to a politician, doesn't simply change allegiances. They simply try to make the best of a bad situation. They are the hapless victims of changing times and a dying industry. The machinery that really runs the world was working hard on solving another problem that had caused voters to vote in their own best interest, newspapers. The machinery had invent all sorts of new devices and systems to distract voters and keep them from voting in their own self interest or reading pesky newspapers. In spite of the machinery's efforts, journalists have become reasonably good at doing their job with the bad hand the machinery ensured they where dealt.

In this specific case and with this specific journalist, the best that could be made of the situation was printing the story that would make his career. It had been handed to him by a local hero who had disappeared without a trace or police lead. The journalist knew nothing of the hero. Just that a package that contained all the information he'd been trying to coax out of the machinery about a local crime boss and all the proof of the illegal activity.

The story the journalist produced with this information could not have been better written. The case against the local crime boss could not have been better presented. The story however was not the most important to the editor of the newspaper that day. The most important story was that of a beautiful and smart young girl who had died of an unknown condition right after hearing the news that her father was missing and presumed dead. The story of the crime boss was pushed further back into the newspaper where no one read it, except frail old women, heroes and villains.

After being released from minimum security prison the former CEO was hired as a consultant by a former crime boss who was in the process of turning his criminal operation into a legal enterprise specializing in the sale of a now legal and formerly common street drug. The former CEO helped the former crime boss turn the former criminal enterprise into a highly profitable and publicly traded company. A local stock broker made a prudent investment in the now legal company shortly after the company's initial public offering and made a sizeable fortune when he later sold the stock to other representatives of the machinery that really ran the world. The three men, all fine representatives of the machinery that really ran the world in their own right, met regularly at a local pub a few doors down from a successful local company, to discuss the now legal business of selling a formerly common street drug and to eat ham sandwiches. They really loved those ham sandwiches.

My first short story as an adult: An ode to Kurt Vonnegut

Requiem for a Hero Part I:

The satisfaction the hero felt in carrying out his personal brand of justice was scientifically comparable to the chemical reaction in the brain of an Olympic competitor winning a gold metal in their respective sport. He could, in many scientific circles, be described as an adrenaline junky. He was constantly chasing the natural rush of brain chemicals that came from delivering a quick and satisfying conclusion to the injustices of the world, no matter how minor.

He took great pride in himself and his impeccable morality. He did the right thing even if most people would think the ingression he was correcting was silly at best. One time he used his powers of deduction and reason to locate the owner of a $5 bill that he found windblown against a trash pile in an alley he happen to be in while surveilling an opportunity at getting those brain chemicals he so desperately needed. He had dreamed up a story while he searched for the owner of the cash. In his brain's narrative the person who lost the money was a little old lady on a fixed income who had out lived the rest of her family and the return of the cash would mean the difference between eating enough calories for her frail body to make another week and going hungry, risking escape into the dark abyss of non-existence. The hero imagined the old lady had been given the bill as change while filling a prescription at the local drug store and being too week to place it back into her billfold had opted to try and hold it feebly while still operating her walker and making her way slowly to the bus stop. He could see it clearly in his heroic minds eye that a burst of wind had torn the bill out of the old lady's age weakened hand and it landed neatly on the trash pile in the alley where he had found it.

The reality, as the hero soon found out, was that the owner of the bill was a stock broker who had given the bill to a homeless man holding a cardboard sign with a long and sad story about the various hardships that had befallen him written in black permanent marker. The stock broker hadn't read the sign, he'd simply dropped the bill on the top of the slouching man who had passed out from too much of his drug of choice, a common street drug sold to him by the low level employees of a local crime boss. The stock broker had given the money to the homeless man as a way of feeling slightly better about the large income he drew out of manipulating the worlds economy. He felt instantly better about himself and his place in the world and decided to treat himself to a beer and maybe a ham sandwich at a local pub as a reward for being so selfless. The stock broker had in fact played a small roll in the hardships listed on the homeless man's sign.

The homeless man had a minor mental disorder that was easily treated with prescription medication, but owing to a downsizing at his previous employer, he had been laid off, lost his health benefits and could not afford the medication his malfunctioning brain required. This event sent him into a spiral of self medicating with an addiction to a common street drug that worsened his brain's condition beyond the reach of modern medicine and led to his eventual homelessness. The cheap street drug released, temporarily, some chemicals in the homeless man's brain that made him forget that other brain chemicals where out of balance.The broker knew none of this because, as mentioned, he didn't read the sign the homeless man had propped against his unconscious body.

The downsizing at the homeless man's company had been triggered when the stock broker, seizing an opportunity at a large payday, had sold a very large portion of stock in the company based on a rumor he had heard from a colleague while peeing in an trough urinal at a baseball game. The colleague had told him that the companies earnings would be below market expectations. The large sell off of stock by the broker caused the machinery that actually operated the markets to view this trade as a trigger to sell more stock in the company and several other companies that did similar business. The drastic and sudden drop in the company's stock price triggered a panic in their upper management. The management thought they where doing a great job and in fact where in the process of preparing the annual earnings report that would inform the world that they had done such a great job at managing the company that it would, in spite of rumors to the contrary, be meeting market expectations. That didn't seem to matter to the stock market, and the CEO of the company in a very prudent and decisive move issued an order to downsize the corporate offices to ensure to the stock holders that management was making good use of their money and not wasting it on corporate excesses. None of the upper management where laid off, of course, and the company's stock quickly rebounded with the news of reduction in corporate overhead and solid earnings. They didn't rehire any of the employees that where laid off. They simply found a way to be just as profitable without them.

The bill the stock broker had dropped on the homeless man had simply blown away in one of the cities many and sporadic gusts caused by it's impossibly tall buildings. Neither of the last two owners of the bill had missed it's absence at all but the hero delivered it just the same, after all, it was the right thing to do.

The hero's next brain chemical fix, he hoped, would come from a taking down a local high level crime boss. This was the biggest and riskiest operation he'd ever taken on. It had taken him two years to gather the evidence and plan the villains take down. He could have finished the job six months earlier, but because of his impeccable morality he wanted to make absolute sure that the crime boss would end up, without a doubt, convicted by a jury of the his peers. His evidence was, at this moment, rock solid. There where indisputable pictures, audio recordings and video that was beyond the police's resources to acquire, but our hero, in his relentless determination and need for brain chemicals, had taken the time to prudently and legally amass an iron clad case the police would have in hand upon his single handed apprehension of the villain. He could see the accolades in his head now, the news stories, the adulation, maybe even a parade, and, of course, the sweet flood of endorphins and adrenaline he so desperately required.

The crime boss was an old hat at organized crime. He was handed the business by his father who had built it up from a local street gang in the decades previous. The crime boss had grown up in the crime business and was taught well by his successful criminal father in the day to day workings of such a complex and diversified crime organization. Much like the CEO of the homeless man's former employer, he didn't spend much time dwelling in the mundane day to day dealings of the criminals he employed. His job was to look at trends in the markets of the various criminal enterprises the crime family was involved in. He was very good at his job. There was no one better at crime than him. He would spend endless hours reading newspapers, looking for opportunities for his business in the headlines. He knew people at every company in town, including the homeless man's former employer, that gave him keen insight into how the city actually functioned. He knew every shipping container that could be exploited. How much inventory he could take off of it without making too many problems for himself. The exact amount of drugs and stolen goods he could place on the same ship as it headed towards it's outbound destination.

The crime boss had enough of the politicians and police force on his payroll to make his dealings all but invisible to the outside world. He even knew, in contrast to the CEO of the homeless man's former employer, how to deal with the unfortunate side effects of his criminal business. There was not a man in the city who's lifeless body could not be disposed of with shocking efficiency by employees of the crime boss. The CEO of the homeless man's former employer did not know how to deal with the unfortunate side effects of his business, the massive amounts of industrial waste that his company produced, so he simply ordered it dumped into the local waterways of the city. The crime boss not only knew of the CEO, he had extorted money from him to keep his secrets. The hero knew of the crime bosses connection with politics and law enforcement. He did not know of the CEO's existence or his illegal dumping of hazardous waste into the waterways thanks to the hush money paid to the crime boss by the CEO.

The CEO was completely unaware that he would soon be brought down by the EPA for these violations. The crime boss knew of the EPA's case against the CEO because he informed the police himself in order to keep pressure off his own criminal business. The crime boss was mostly unaware of the hero's plans to bring him to justice. He had heard some rumblings from his underlings of someone snooping around so he had hidden a gun in a pop up compartment in his desk as a precaution. The crime boss did not know about the hero. The hero did not know about the gun.

The hero had rehearsed the speech he would triumphantly deliver to the crime boss upon his apprehension. He knew every word and the exact emphasis he would deliver on each syllable. It would be the culmination of all his life's purpose. He would finally be on the map as true hero of the people. He revelled in the anticipation of his moment in the sun. He craved the release of chemicals that this event would release into his brain.

The indisputable evidence that was the fruit of the hero's two years of near obsessive work was all ready in the police stations mailbox as well as the mailbox of a local investigative reporter who also was working on writing the story that would make his career. The story of a crime family that ran the city . The reporter just lacked the evidence, that was now sitting in his mailbox thanks to the hero, to pull everything together.

The hero made his way undetected through the building where the crime boss ran his enterprise. He knew every security measure in the building, except for the gun in the crime boss's desk. He burst through the door of the crime boss's office and, having trapped his quarry and entered so elegantly undetected, began his well rehearsed speech. "Your time as a cancer on the underbelly of this city...." his voice was stopped abruptly by a bullet that burst out of the back of the his skull. The hero's brain had been distracted by the anticipation of the chemicals it so desperately desired that it did not react at all to the crime boss triggering of the hidden compartments release mechanism with his foot, his surprising speed at grabbing and discharging the gun and the accuracy of the his shot. The organ that the hero had hoped would release the chemicals he so desperately desired into his brain where now spread across the back wall of the crime bosses office. The hero made his escape into the dark abyss of non-existence.

The crime boss called over an intercom to his secretary and asked for her to get the employees who dealt with this sort of thing to come up and do their job. The crime boss had an important meeting with the chief of police in two hours and felt it a minor inconvenience to have to explain the mess. He also asked her to order him a ham sandwich from the local pub that was two doors down from the office. The crime boss really loved those sandwiches.

It's got a big mouth, just like me.

I am at least self aware enough to understand that a water bottle is a pretty strange thing to write a blog post about, but I'm nothing if not a man with strong feelings, sometimes about inane things like water bottles.

For years I was in love with Nalgene brand wide mouth, and even narrow mouth water bottles but then the BPA débâcle happened and I gave them up. I switched, much to my dismay, to stainless steel but I missed my Nalgene bottles more than is healthy for an adult male.

When they came out with the BPA free versions I switched back and I have to say, it's one of my favourite accessories. For those of you that know me, you also know that I'm very rarely without my Nalgene in tow.

So why do I love my Nalgene so much?

 First, they are cheap and available pretty much anywhere for under $10 and it comes in many different colors. I very rarely lose my water bottle, but when I do I can replace it with a visit to just about any store anywhere.

It's virtually indestructible. I've dropped them thousands of times and they hold up to my years of abuse.

The wide mouth means I can load it up with ice easily and I like a lot of ice in my water.

Accessories, there are a surprising amount of accessories available for them, my two favourites are the GSI Outdoors H2OH! Percolator and the Outdoor Research Bottle Parka.

It's made of Lexan and that means it can handle temperatures up to the boiling point of water. I first heard about this on the hammockforums.net website where people where talking about using them as hot water bottles on chilly nights to squeeze a few more degrees of comfort out of their sleeping systems, since then I've used them quite regularly as a hot water bottle to help sooth my chronic shoulder pain. I even sewed my own cover filled with rice to insulate myself from the high temps and make the heat last longer. It's really amazing at putting the right amount of heat right where I need it. I also have a crazy story, that I won't share right, now about saving a couple friends life on the side of a mountain by making hot water bottles in cold temps.

I really do view my Nalgene bottle as one of the few things I really can't do without.

500yearfarm.com and New Blog

Just realizing that there are some of you that follow this blog that don't necessarily follow me in other places. So I thought I'd post a quick update to say, any farm related stuff has been moved off this blog and onto blog.500yearfarm.com and if you want to check out the new 500yearfarm.com website I'd love to hear some feedback on it.

Jury Duty

Here is an account of my recent trip to the county court house to fulfill my civic duty right up until I was selected and served on a jury. Enjoy!

First observation, great place to people watch. 

Only one of the the security lines running, very long line, I doubt other two x-ray machines are even plugged in, they are just there to torment me with the possibility. While in line I discover wood chips in my hoody pocket, hope I don't have to explain that in a pat down.

Only place on earth there are people grumpier than me. Lady on phone behind me would rather clean a dirty toilet than be here or so she says loudly to the person on the other end of the conversation. I'd rather not do either or here about it from her.

They miss pronounced my last name over intercom. It's a common English word, go judicial/educational system. 

We are all Given a name tag that just says "Juror", everyone obediently wearing them like sheep, I judge them. I'm just wearing mine to be ironic so it looks cool on me. I still don't really know what ironic means. That song really fucked me up. 

The sign on fancy automatic coffee maker, just above dispensing nozzle says, not a drain. Must be an interesting story there. Size options on machine are as follows, coffee bean, cup, coffee bean, I chose cup, but secretly wished I tried coffee bean. Later, tried coffee bean option, said "invalid option" on LCD screen, at least the machine is aware of the paradox even if it's incapable of changing it. Chairs designed to not let a cup sit flat, no where to set cup, another well thought out form of torture.

Selected in the first round to move on, I finally found what I'm lucky at. Yay.

Questionnaire asked my favorite t.v. show, author and type of music. I think the people who wrote the form got tired of where people work. They are people watchers too. I think I miss spelled Vonnegut, attempt to seem smart backfired on me again, go educational system.

More newspapers than tablets, more hardback books than tablets. Like they are all from a different universe. Old people still not using smart phones when bored, I don't know how to solve this problem but I imagine it involves hard candy in some way. 

Saw guy that looks like Kurt Vonnegut, not the best celebrity to look like. I didn't tell him he looked like him, I'm sure he gets told that a lot. 

They let us have a fifteen minute break, only options are smoking and eating junk food at a bad cafeteria, go society. I chose writing this on my tablet and looking smug. 

Got called to a court room in first round, go universe that is constantly against me.

Took stairs to fourth floor court room instead of elevator to feel superior to everyone else, instead I'm just breathing heavily like a creeper. More cardio could be in order. 

Everyone is sitting on one side of benches, when I ask "Is the other side is off limits?" everyone smiles politely and shrugs, they are sheep, I sit on the other side and everyone after me follows my lead, I'm a trailblazer. 

Felony vehicular eluding, sounds fun.

Just found out, Jehovah's witness don't serve on jury's, a tiny upside to religion. 

I can't seem to win at anything in life ever, except getting selected to be a juror. I don't know what message the universe is trying to send me but I suspect it's just drunk dialing

For The Love Of Dogs

I'm a dog lover.
When I say that, I don't mean that I have some teen girl relationship with dogs w
here I feel the need to collect them like porcelain dolls. I don't have a sweate
r with my dogs likeness lovingly stitched into it. I don't have a coffee cup with a witty quip about dogs. I don't even own anything that would indicate I have a dog other than the necessities of dog ownership, e.g., bowl, leash, brush, dog food storage bin.
What I mean by saying I'm a dog lover is that I think there is something in the relationship with a dog that can bring on a symbiosis of spirit. There is a raw connection with the animal that goes beyond words. We have co-evolved to have, use and love dogs as part of our family. When our rudimentary ancestors needed to survive cold winters and hunt game beyond the limits of their tools they turned to their dogs and vise verse the dogs looked to us for their provision. Even today looking into our primate relatives this connection lives on. This video shows baboons capturing feral dog puppies and raising them as part of their family to protect their group in African trash heaps. They lovingly groom them as part of their bond as one of the family.

I've had dogs my entire life. I love nothing more than taking my relationship with my dogs to a level where neither of us is ever in doubt as to what is needed from each other. We both enjoy doing things together and we feel no stress over being apart. It's not just me wanting to be confident in my dog I want him to be confident in with me. If you knew the dog I have now then you would know how enjoyable a perfectly behaved and loving dog can be. He is envied by just about everyone. Not just because of his calm demeanor or the fact that he almost never shows signs of stress or distrust, but also because he is big, fluffy and loveable. He treats everyone with the same affection as he shows me.

Can I take credit for all that my dog is? of course not! We are a partnership, I have a responsibility to be a good companion in equal measure to his. Dogs should not be chosen based on how cute you think they are alone. They should not be bred to have a certain look to them. Breeds that are nothing more than an intriguing experiment into humans abilities to push genetics to their limit, in my opinion, represent a complete failure in the humans role regarding the relationship with dogs.  I have a particular lifestyle and my dog should reflects that. Breeds should be chosen based on their ability to fit in and adapt to the lifestyle of my family not because I think they are the cutest. I recently watched a TED talk and what struck me first is that most of the dogs that have this "Separation Anxiety" are from breeds originally developed to be livestock guardian dogs. It is in their soul to protect their flock an
d in the absence of livestock you become their surrogate. You leaving for work means they have failed in being able to protect you and they are driven to compulsion by their genetics. I feel it's unfair to have these breeds outside of their breeding.

We once owned a very neurotic Weimaraner who I never really related to and wasn't able to train. In retrospect I can see that there was no real failing on his part, I can firmly put any failings in our relationship on myself. He was bred to be a hunting dog, specifically water foul and I, not being a hunter, didn't relate to his compulsion. When we took him to ponds I would at first laugh, then get annoyed and then get angry that all he wanted to do was swim and chase ducks and geese. At the time I don't think I understood the connection there since I wasn't very familiar with the breed. In retrospect I should have altered my life to include his instincts instead of avoiding ponds so I didn't have to deal with him not wanting to get out when I was ready. In his mind this might be his only chance at being truly happy and he would do anything to stay as long as possible. His world was dominated by a life he didn't fit into and people who didn't understand him. I'm sure there is a very deep allegory here to parents who have disabled children but I don't think I'm qualified to make it. Maybe someone else could comment on it.

Like most things in our modern world that make me crazy is I think we spend too much time forcing things to exist out of the environment they need to thrive. We do it with our livestock, we do it with our pets and we certainly do it with ourselves. In this case I would encourage everyone to pick breeds or mixes of breeds that fit our lifestyle and if we end up with a breed that isn't a great fit trying our hardest to accommodate them. I encourage this because when the relationship is right, it's one of the most rewarding experiences a human can have. There might be a few :"bad" dogs, but there are many more bad owners, MANY MORE, and more bad situations. Let's do our best to address all the issues, not just one.

How I'm So Damned Productive

This could prove to be an epic blog post so if it's a TLDR I understand, but if you've ever wondered what tools other people use to keep organized then this is the post for you!

This post is about all the tools I use to crush tons of data and keep productive without losing my mind.

Tool #1 - Google Calendar:

Everyone needs a calendar and I've been using Google's offering since it's beta. There are a number of reasons I've stuck with it over the years.

1. Shared calendar's: I share my calendar with my wife and daughter, and they share theirs with me. Since we all use Android phones it makes it much easier to keep everyone in sync with such busy schedules.
2. "Interesting Calendars": There are curated calendars that can be added allowing me to automatically keep up with holidays and sports teams. I love this feature and I never miss a Bronco game as a result.
3. Inviting People to Events: I've used this for years to organize podcast schedules to make sure everyone is there to podcast at the right time.
4. Integration with Other Google Services: I love "Google Now" and if it's in my Google Calendar it's in Google Now giving me reminders and if I've included and address it let's me pull up one handed navigation. Also, when adding addresses it integrates with Google Maps make setting appointments up to specific places much easier. The other handy integration is with contacts, if the contact has a birthday entry it shows up on the calendar.
5. Like any other cloud service, being able to edit my calendar on any device I have in my hot little hands means I actually use it and keep it up to date.

Tips for getting the most out of a calendar:

1.  Calendars aren't just for future events. Put important events on the calendar after they've happened so you can find it later with a simple search.
2. Put reminders to do maintenance type items so you get a simple reminder to winterize the lawn mower, clean out the gutters, change the oil in your car, etc. This saves a lot of headache and is a simple way to make sure you do your less regular chores.
3. Want to eat out less? Make a weekly meals calendar so you can keep track of what meals you planned for what day and you have a record of previous meals you've eaten to keep everyone from getting bored. With multiple people cooking in the house with crazy schedules this helps make sure everyone is eating healthy inexpensive meals instead of fast food on busy nights.

Tool #2 - Google Keep:

This is the most recent addition to my organizational repertoire and I've been making full use of it. It's basically Google's answer to Evernote, something I've never personally used. If some of these other tools are howitzers this tool is more of a scalpel. I use it as a staging area for things that need to be filed into other tools. It's main usefulness is for quick notes, check lists and lists like virtual sticky notes. Also, since it's a Google product it's synced with all my devices all the time helping make better use of my other organizational tools. I mostly use it like you would a note pad to jot quick notes down. Don't overuse it for detailed info or it gets overwhelming quick.

Tips of getting the most out of Keep:

1. Great for meeting notes to jot down things you need to follow up on.
2. You can set reminders on the desktop that will pop up on your phone or tablet.
3. It's great for check lists.
4. Archive done items so you can search them later but they don't show up in the main view.
5. You can attach pictures to things to help remind you of what it is you need.

Tool #3 -  Theoldreader.com and Greader:

I do tons of research from a large variety of web sources and keeping track of everything requires a powerful tool.....RSS. I was in the private beta on Google Reader and was heart broken when it closed down. Theoldreader.com offered importing of the OML file from Google Reader and it strived to emulate the original Google Reader interface. It looked a little touch and go for a while whether it was going to stick around but it seems to have stabilized and now offers premium memberships, $3 a month that I happily pay, that ensure it's long term success.

What is an RSS reader? It's a place that checks for updates to some of your favorite sites on the net and puts them all into one nice interface. Blogs, podcasts (although I use another tool for those), Craigslist searches, the list goes on and on and you can keep up to date on things by just adding the RSS feed URL into the Reader client and read it, archive it, tag it and share it all at your leisure, it's what the web promised to be. There seems to be waning interest in RSS but I assure you, if you invest a very small amount of time into it, it's a very rewarding experience. I won't provide a step by step guide to RSS but you can Google it and find plenty of great info on how to make use of it.

Also, TOR includes integration with another of my favorite tools "Pocket", see below. That makes it easier to save things you are going to want later.

Greader is the Android client that I use to actually read on. It is a pretty nice way to read my favorite sites all in a nice dark theme that lets me read after dark without making the wife too angry at me.

Tips for getting the most out of Theoldreader:

1. If you visit a site more than once a year, find it's RSS feed and get it into the RSS Reader.
2. Follow news sites, but use the "Mark Items Older Than a Week" or the "Older than a Day" tools to keep from getting overwhelmed by old news.
3. Find funny things to follow to give you a relief from the stress of being so darn organized.
4. In Greader use the Text to Speach(TTS) to turn long articles into books on tape.
5. Learn to let old items go, if you haven't got to them in a month or two, mark it as read, move on and breath easier.

Tool #4 - Pocket(formerly Read It Later):

I've been a heavy user of bookmarks over the years and they fall short in a number of ways. The biggest is that they are managed in the old folder structure paradigm and that creates a problem for finding things that may have made sense to live in multiple locations. Also, links break over time and the data is lost with just a bookmark, unless of course you can find it on Archive.org. Pocket bests bookmarks for single web items. First it compliments TOR/Greader for sites you don't want all their stuff just a specific article but would like a nice easy to read layout with a dark theme. It has a nice browser plugin that gives a single place to click to add it to pocket for later consumption. It also includes a TTS engine for making long articles digestible on the go. Pocket has it's own Android App that is very robust and easy to use.

Tips for getting the most out of Pocket:

1. Archive articles when you are done reading them.
2. Use TTS on long articles.
3. Use tags to sort items and make them easier to find later.
4. Again, use a dark theme to keep the wife happy with late night reading.
5. Consider Pocket premium, a bit pricey but worth it if you are crushing large amounts of research, for a permanent archive of important info and sources.

Tool #5 - Gmail:

 O.K., this isn't an organizational tool by itself, in fact I'd bet your inbox is a nightmare, but using some advanced tools inside Gmail it can be a way of keeping organized. I won't go into a ton of detail on these, you can Google if any catch your eye, but I'll list my tips for crushing the deluge of Email.

Tips for getting the most out of Gmail:

1. Make heavy use of labels, they are a powerful tool.
2. Use the "Filter Messages Like This" feature to automatically put labels on e-mails from sources.
3. Archive things that have labels on them.
4. Delete advertisements older than a day.
5. Turn on all the "Tabs" in "Configure Inbox" and drag items in the wrong folder to the right one to teach Google where they go. This will help you divide an conquer e-mail.
6. Turn on two factor authentication to make your email safer. Remember almost all your passwords can be reset with access to your email account. Keep it safe people!

Tool #6 -  BeyondPod:

 If you aren't listening to Podcasts then you are seriously missing out. Podcasts are to talk radio what .MP3s where to music. There is a podcast out there to meet any taste and more likely 1000s for every taste. I listen to massive amounts of podcasts, in fact I listen to them at 3x speed. Why? it helps me get through the huge amount of great shows I want to listen to. How? Beyondpod. It's a fantastic app and worth paying the nominal fee for the pro version. I've used it for years now, everyday, all day, and I can honestly say it's my favorite app.

Tips for getting the most out of Beyondpod:

1. Organize your podcast from the start, the better organized the easier to find what you want.
2. Setup an update schedule to download new Podcasts when on wifi at home. This saves your data and keeps you stocked up. I set mine to download while I sleep.
3. Lock episodes you want to re-listen to so they don't get deleted.
4. Crank up the speed to get more listening in, seriously there is so much great content out there.
5. Have video Podcasts you don't really need to watch to enjoy? Use the "Play Video as Audio" feature to just listen to the audio track.
6. Use a bluetooth headset so you can pause it on the headset instead of digging in a pocket for your phone. Also great for activities like running and riding a bike so your device can stay in a nice safe place instead of in your hand.
7. Make your fist subscription my Podcast Alpha Geeks!

Tool #7 - Keypass:

There are scores of reasons to use a password keeper not least of which is security, but it also helps you be more productive. Instead of reusing insecure passwords that put you at risk of losing data, time and money, let the password keeper do the work so you don't have to. It will create a safe and secure password and store it with top notch encrypted security. Stop forgetting what crappy half effort password you used on a site by storing it somewhere safe and sound. It's very handy for seldom used but important accounts. Stop putting yourself at risk and wasting time resetting accounts because you can't remember a password that was insecure in the first place. Also, this is a free and open source tool!

Tips for getting the most out of Keypass:

1. Use the Android App to keep your passwords with you everywhere you go.
2. Use one great password to secure you database and let it be the only tough one you have to remember.
3. Sync it with Dropbox (see below) to always have an up to date database.
4. Don't be tempted to skip using it and throwing a crappy password at it, the more you use it the less of a pain it is, the safer you data is.
5. Store credit card info in the database so you have the numbers in case your card gets stolen.
6. Save you bike lock and combo locks in it so you don't forget it when you are taking a break from the gym.
7. Save your code to a security system with instructions in the notes so the three or four times a year you go into work when no else is there you don't look like an idiot or a thief.

Tool #8 - Dropbox:

Stop messing around with thumb drives to get data around. Stop losing family photos when you lose your phone. Stop sending massive attachments in your emails. Using Dropbox will save you from worrying about computer crashes because all your data is synced to the cloud. Just remember to not sync sensitive data to it unless you've used trust no one encryption.

Tips for getting the most out of Dropbox:

1. Set up accounts for everyone in the family so documents can be shared around. It helps with the older kids homework or if you, like me, only use the printer at work because your kids burn through ink like we used to go through crayons.
2. Use selective sync to only sync certain folders to certain devices. I only sync my school folders to my school computer.
3. Use the public folder to host simple static webpages and media for things like lessons plans for classes you teach.
4. Turn on the automatic photo backup so you never lose those important family memories. Your kids will thank you when they are older.

Tool #9 - Pinterest:

This is my newest tool and I almost hate to say how handy it is. I find lots of interesting things to try and articles to read and it's pretty damn easy to organize it all for later consumption, plus the social part of it is well designed. It's also the easiest tool to share cool things with other people you know even if it's on another social media site. It's to stuff what facebook is to people.

Tips for getting the most out of Pinterest:

1. It has the ability to pin things to different boards for a reason, use them.
2. There are tons of keywords that aggregate pretty much anything you could be interested in use them to find cool things that fit your interest.
3. Recipes might be one of the strongest features. You could learn to cook with just recipes on here. Pin the recipes to boards like, "Things to Cook" and after you've made them move them to "Things I loved" or delete them if you didn't like them. This makes the weekly groceries easier.

Tool #10 - Amazon Wishlists:

I know it sounds strange but if you are like me, don't use credit cards at all, you need to only buy things when funds are available and sometimes its hard to keep track of everything you've heard about and though you wanted to buy at some point. I stick to a strict weekly budget and this helps me find the things I want at a later time, even if I don't buy it on Amazon.

Tips for getting the most out of Amazon Wishlists:

1. Make different lists for different interests and use them.
2. Use it as a reading list for books you come across. I'd go broke if I just bought every book I want to read but if they are on my book wishlist I can find them later.
3. Share the list with friends or family so you can actually get relevant Birthday and Christmas gifts.

Tool #11 - Bookmarks:

I used to use this as my main way of keeping track of things on the internet but as better tools have come along I try to stay away from them if I can, but they still have their place.

Tips for getting the most out of Bookmarks:

1. Use Google Chrome's or Firefox's sync features to keep them up to date on all your devices and at your fingertips when you need them.
2. Make heavy use of folders and nested folders.
3. Do an annual purge, I use this as a staging area for other tools sometimes when I don't have a better place to put things but if I don't purge it gets overwhelming quick.

Tool #12 - Orgmode and Emacs:

This is my last but most useful tool for keeping organized. It's also has the steepest learning curve. It's not intuitive at all and requires some honest investment in learning to be useful. Once you get over the hump with it though it's staggering how powerful a tool it is. It's basically a text editor(emacs) with some tools for organizing things (Orgmode) but that doesn't really do it justice. It has time tracking, todo lists, agendas, calendars, tags, you can do in line spread sheets including calculations. Also, moving things around as things get more complicated is where I fell in love with it. At the start of projects things make sense in one order but as things progress things need shuffled around and the rigidity of other solutions mean that upkeep with the data is more work than it is useful. With Orgmode however, you can move things up and down, tuck them in sub-trees, ad data to them, sort them, mark them done, hide them and crush large amounts of data.

Tips for getting the most out of Orgmode:

1.  Use Orgmode as the final destination for research so everything is available when you need it.
2. Track your time on specific tasks to cover your butt or get paid for out of scope work.
3. Keep record of the time and date of things like emails so you can back things up when needed. 
4. Keep track of verbal agreements so you can follow them up with emails for backup if things get hairy.
5. Put notes on projects you are researching, make lists of materials, make todo lists of each step and execute the hell out of things.
6. Store data on things that give you that competitive edge.
7. Export notes to html, put them in your Dropbox and share the link with your team to keep everyone's productivity high. I use this a lot and to Great Effect. I even do this with my school assignments for my students.
8. Learn the markdown language so you can include images in the HTML export.

To wrap things up, productivity tools only work if you use them, and most of the time it just takes practice to actually make use of them. Don't use tools you see zero benefit in off the bat but invest the time to learn them if it can help. Each tool is a stepping stone to getting more done and being less stressed. Trust me.