Thursday, February 19, 2009

Little Girls Secretly Plotting World Domination

I'm generally not one to believe in conspiracy theories. In fact, one could say that I'm a skeptic who generally looks at wild theories with a critical eye. However, a recent conversation with a friend of mine now has my head reeling with the possibility that little girls are about to launch some sort of attack on me.

In retrospect my first suspicions of little girls began with the birth of my first daughter. Her ability to control my emotions with nothing more than a flippant look should have alerted me early on to the mounting storm that, I now suspect, is on the horizon. Now that I have two more daughters I know that the powers that infant girls hold over me is nothing compared that of a more experienced toddler who has honed her skills at captivation to the precipice of breaking point and even that is but child's play compared to their denarian counterparts. My oldest daughter, now ten years old, has achieved grand master status in exerting her will over me.

Now, until last night I was blissfully unaware of the scope of this problem. In a seaming innocuous conversation with a friend, that was purely innocent, the proverbial wool was removed from my eyes. Walk with me now down the road that led me to my current state of paranoia.

My daughter is, among other things, a girl scout and in that capacity she has recently been peddling cookies which arrived in their packaging to my house last night. This not so unexpected event sparked what I like to call "The Thin Mint Conversation." If, like me, you have a particular affinity for these little culinary wonders you have invariably had this conversation. It goes some thing like this:

Person 1: "Hey, I see you have procured some Thin Mints"
Person 2: "Indeed, they are a favorite of mine!"
Person 3: "I as well list these among my favorites. However, When consuming them I am unable to limit myself and invariably eat an entire sleeve."
Person 4: "I also find myself in a similar predicament."

or some variation and the two people continue there lives unaffected. I myself would have not given this common conversation any more though if this particular conversation hadn't included an addenda that include how Thin Mint's plastic sleeving splits all the way down the middle no matter how much attention and care is given to opening the packaging. This phenomena leads one to not risk wasting any that might have spilled out let alone those now unprotected cookies that will probably go stale if placed back in the box. As such, one finds themselves in a position of eating the entire sleeve to save them from an unfortunate loss of flavor. Having finished this conversation my friend left and probably didn't give it any mind. I however couldn't help contemplating the fact that this design might be intentional and part of a greater plan for little girls to advance some agenda I was unaware of.

I still do not know their demands, probably something to do with ponies, and I don't know if they will be forgiving overlords, but the execution of their devious plan is brilliant. Every facet is carefully crafted to make me completely docile and in their control. They leverage their cuteness and charm to get me to buy a frightfully addictive product who's very packaging is designed to coerce you into eating and buying more, all the while pacifying you and fattening you into complete complacency. If they apply these tactics to any other industry, well, god help us all. I can only hope that they remember how good I was to them when their regime finally gains control.
Post a Comment