Some strange happenings.....

Have you ever had one of those moments where you suddenly become an inadvertent listener to a conversation you shouldn't? So, I'm washing my hands in the bathroom at the gym when I hear a phone ring from a stall behind me. I chuckled a little to myself thinking "what a crappy time to get a phone call." Much to my surprise the gentleman actually answered the phone complete with a greeting involving a company name along with his. I gave another chuckle at the lack of professionalism. Then my ears where blessed with this conversation.

"Yes, I was at your restaurant last night with my girlfriend, who is Asian and pretty heavy, and I overheard the waiter say "she was the fastest person he'd ever seen there and that she had more chins than a Chinese phone book".....and I don't think that's very appropriate for your establishment......yeah I know your not laughing at me you're laughing with me."

At this point I had to leave the bathroom because you can only wash your hands for so long before you look crazy yourself.

Now, I could try to analyze all the things wrong with what transpired, but I think it might be too cruel. So, I'll leave by just saying I was probably the only person aware of how strange it all really was.

Slacker Madness!

The is a secret scourge that has been attacking the underbelly of our free culture community for too long. Oh, how I've sat idly by and watch my friends descend into madness because of a substance more potent than any drug known to man. I'm talking of course about Slackware.

Sure you saw a buddy using it at a party and you where curious. You though to yourself "Hey, he's cool and he uses it, what harm could it do!" So you took it home and got loaded.

At first you where just using it casually, nothing serious. You felt like it helped you get things done, made you more productive. You used it a little before school, then a little after work. You looked cool in front of all your friends.

But then things started changing. You noticed that you couldn't get through the day without it. You used it more and more alone in your room. Compiling kernels and hacking .conf files. Soon, your friends started to worry about you. You would disappear over the weekends feeding your addiction with injections of slackbuilds and install scrips. Still every now and then you show up at a party but you spend all night huddled in the corner starring at a gcc compiling screen.

Pretty soon your making excuses to everyone about how you don't have a problem. You just need to get the web-cam working and then you can give it up. But then your back to your old habits trying to setup servers and configure your new gadget.

What I'm trying to say is. You're a junky man and you need help.

Conversational Kung Fu

Do you suffer from holding an opinion that you have no real argument for?
Do you lose debates simply because there are no fact to support your case?
Are you sick of your stupidity not being listened to by "main stream media"?

By following my special brand of Conversational Kung Fu you can be sure to take over any debate your idiotic mind can dream up. Why have a sensible argument when you can kick someone in their metaphorical nuts! Put them in a soliloquy choke hold till they tap out from intellectual exhaustion. Beat them about the brain till they can't help but accept your poorly thought out conclusions and ignorant illogical positions on popular topics.

For example:

If someone has a well thought out and researched opinion about a popular social issue that differs from your crack pot sensibilities. Just use what I call the "spoken round house!". It's a simple maneuver that even the most uneducated illiterate back woods yokel can pull off. Call them a "Nazi!". Sure it might sound a little harsh to compare their compassion for the homeless, concern for the future of human existence or want to provide basic human rights to all people to an icon of hate who orchestrated one of the worst acts of democide in recorded history. But hey, you don't have any rational at all so anything goes. Right? This also works by inserting any other demonic historic figure, Joseph Stalin(more on him in a moment), Pol Pot and if you want it to give a slight impression you might actually know what you are talking about use more obscure dictators like Genghis Khan or Mao Zedong.

Once you have launched your initial attack it's time to move into what I call "annoying chop". Here you try to drown out their rational arguments by making references to the initial attach such as....

Where are your Jack Boots?
Typical Nazi rhetoric!
You want to send us all to work in the Gulag?

If they haven't shaken their heads and walked away in disgust it's time to pull out the big guns. This is the "rhetoric leg sweep" stage and should at the very least halt all progress in the discussion and put the spot light on you and your brain dead point. This technique is the hardest to master and may take some time since you obviously haven't mastered any of the other learned arts. In this stage we try to string as many of the following words into a nonstop rant that is impossible to counter.

Pinko, Commy, Nazi, Unpatriotic, Fascist, Bastard, Socialist, Tree Hugging, Liberal, Nut Job, Wacko.....ect.

For example: "You pinko, commy bastards just don't get it. You're too busy hugging trees with your other liberal, wacko, nut jobs to see you unpatriotic, fascists are turning America into the Soviet Empire." (Note: If the person you are arguing with notices that you can't be both Communist and Fascist pay them no mind and keep on trukin'. You're almost there!)

If none of these tactics work then there is probably no hope for you and your fellow dumb asses so you might as well go watch NASCAR.